A Metaphor for Tricky Parts of Change!

Happy Sunday!

I just noticed a few flakes of snow falling outside, as the sun finally rises on this "Daylight Savings Morning," and I have to laugh a bit. You'll see why, soon enough!

Today, I’m taking a break from the more scientific/biological-focused stuff, to share something more in line with my ACT/Narrative Therapy training.

I find these approaches make metaphors (aka stories which relate to problems we’re working on) into something of an art form. Telling a related story gives us a bit of emotional distance, so we can see our situation more clearly, using different parts of our brain.

*Ok. Maybe I’ll be a *bit* scientific/biological! It's becoming a bit of a problem!

Sure, therapists use metaphors a LOT. But, long before we came along we had theatre, religious parables, fairy tales, legends...for many, Story is deeply rooted in their cultural identity, and is their very spiritual core!

...you get it. I harp on the point because, often, when we hear talk of our "stories" we can take offense. What we hear is "we're making things up"...in which case, imma give into temptation and link to my YouTube video on how the "stories" in our mind are built, how they develop and modify our thoughts, and even how they affect how flexible we can be when facing new challenges (courtesy of my understanding of "Relational Frame Theory"):

*Ok...I see it...I fell pretty far back into "scientific." I'm working on it-back to less-dense stuff...

We love stories, and stories guide us, comfort us, heal us and prepare us, at least to a certain extent. And, if something will help, even a little bit, to improve the quality of our lives, why wouldn’t we take a few minutes out of our day to do it?

So! I would like to share an example, using a few of my thoughts from yesterday afternoon.

*Spoiler-I’m not the biggest fan of winter!

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Sitting on the deck for the first time in 2021 without a winter coat, there's something in the air which I think somewhat relates to making hard and ambitious changes in life. Or, for that matter, recovery from hard challenges, be they mental health, employment, addiction, financial, medical, relationship-no doubt more things than you have time to read, especially coping with one less hour of sleep!

“Spring is coming,” I say to myself, and shiver when a breeze hits me.

Rainier raises his head a bit, throws an eye at me, then drops it back to the deck with a sigh.

He's right to do it. I wouldn't put it past him to have noticed how hard I'm trying to convince myself.

The debate continues in my mind. It's sunny, and a bit warmer...we’ve had a few days like this before, so it’s not likely to be a fluke...but it very well might be. Any day now, a sudden winter blast might bury us in snow again, which can feel cold and miserable and endless.

The tree branches, their dry limbs creaking and scraping against each other in the cold wind, seem like they’ll just wither away or stay bare forever. But already some buds promise the bright green of the coming Spring.

The warmth in the air is reassuringly teasing us with the summer ahead, but that can feel like a distant fantasy. The chilly wind has a whisper of winter’s bitterness, which is a lot fresher in our memory. We've gotten used to it I suppose, even if it's not pleasant sometimes (or really nasty, other times!).

We are officially in “Do we dare not bring a coat on the way to the store, or to town?” territory.

We can notice both hope and doubt in this space, thoughts and feelings thumb wrestling with each other.

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When we consider hard changes, we're usually pretty good at noticing two extremes, which we usually boil down to "Bad" and "Good"...our "Bad Habits" which we beat ourselves up about, and the "Being Productive"/"Moving Towards My Goals" which we boast about on Social Media. "Shame" and "Pride at Accomplishment," and the illusion we only have these two options.

Now, naturally, I believe in improving the quality of our lives. It can be exciting, working on motivation, tackling doubts and obstacles. We can break our dream lives down into the tasks and resources we’ll need, explore whether it’s possible and what it will take to get there.

And when we launch ourselves towards our prize project, it's exciting! It brings to mind scads of old expressions and hang-in-there-kitty-poster wisdom.

"That last cigarette is the best-I've had a thousand of them!"

"New Year, New You!"

"Pain is weakness leaving the body!"

If phrases like these float your boat, by all means, frame it and slap it on the wall. Definitely a time and place for them.

But what can we do about the feelings in the gray space between setting the goal, and accomplishing it? When the bathroom scale taunts you about the progress you thought you made? Or when you stopped by the liquor store on the way home, when you promised yourself you wouldn't? Or when you brought up that old mistake your partner made 10 years ago, ruining your anniversary? Or when you misgendered your sibling again, even though you *knew* better?

It can be easy to say, as a listener when someone else is sharing their troubles, or when fondly remembering "dragons I've slayed" in the distant past, to phrase things in sunny, clinical terms like "when we run into unexpected challenges, we can develop creativity and flexibility to address them." I'd day it, because I believe it, and see evidence of it.

*this is usually when I provide a "Rainbows and Unicorns talk" disclaimer...

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Another breeze passes by. I shiver again. Rainier sighs. I get ready to go inside and light a fire to keep the house comfortable.

I breathe, and drop anchor. I'll keep an eye on the forecast, and the snow shovel and salt ready. I notice the fragile tree branches and soggy, yellow grass.

But before I go in, I'll also pay extra attention to the signs of Spring I can see.

Buds in the tree branches. Crocuses. The extra minutes of daylight.

The days I don’t need to scrape the car window anymore.

Opening windows in the house or while driving for a few minutes, to clear the air.

Drying clothes, at least partly, on the line to get that fresh air smell.

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When facing long-term changes, doubts and challenges are part of the deal. And, when they come up, sometimes they feel like failure, and those feelings can trick us into believing they're absolute truth and reality.

Sometimes our body creaks and tries to convince us we'll fail, or screams how TIRED we are.

Sometimes our thoughts whisper to us in the voices of past negative influences in our lives.

Usually it uses the voice of the person we used to be, when we learned lessons that don't apply to the life we lead now, or the new lifestyle we're building.

And, if we're honest, those doubts may be accurate. Time will tell. But we know what totally giving up on change gets us.

And maybe, if we can make space for the doubts, and forgive ourselves for our relapses, we have a better shot at noticing the actual signs of progress we've made. We can dare to keep hope of things getting better, and becoming someone we never imagined we could be.

It may be "Rainbows and Unicorns" thinking...but we can't deny the crocuses exist. And even if you've just managed a day of sobriety, or a few hours without self-harm, or managed to twist your mouth into a half-smile when staring at your body in the winter, those things exist too, and may be a evidence of progress, and maybe of even better things ahead.

And, if you're one of those lucky souls able to find comfort in whatever season you're in, carry on!

Keep warm, have a great week, and hopefully, keep some faith in yourself and the plans you made when you felt strong!